


Mysteries of 24601

by ShitpostingfromtheBarricade



Series: Web Series AU [1]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Coming of Age, Don't copy to another site, Family Fluff, Gen, Third Person Limited POV, Web series AU, Webseries AU, but it happens and is sad, camera pov, friendship fluff, the death isn't sudden or violent or anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 14:09:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17561900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShitpostingfromtheBarricade/pseuds/ShitpostingfromtheBarricade
Summary: "For those of you watching for the first time today—hello!  My name is Cosette.  I’m sixteen years old, and this channel is dedicated to unravelling the mystery that is,” she leans in dramatically toward the camera, “my papa."Pre-written, updates Sundays and Wednesdays.Warnings for each chapter will be posted in the beginning notes.Inspired bythis post.





	1. Episode 0: Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks as always to my incredible, devoted, talented, thorough beta reader [PieceOfCait](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PieceOfCait/pseuds/PieceOfCait). She also writes, and you should definitely check out her work!
> 
>  **Warnings:** none

The video shakes, and the audio is quiet but for some breathy giggling. The camera takes a moment to focus from the chair legs it sits between to the figure beyond them.

Through the grainy video quality, a man can be seen sitting at a kitchen table and talking on the phone. He must be in his fifties, but the set to his brow and gray streaking his hair and beard make him look much older. Despite his age, he appears rather built. He is speaking in hushed tones and poring over some documents spread out on the table.

The camera shakily swings around to a young girl, no older than ten. Her black hair is in twin braids, and she brings a finger up to her mouth in a quieting gesture despite her own barely-contained giggles. 

“Papa’s been on the phone for _two hours_ ,” she whispers emphatically. “He _hates_ being on the phone, so whatever it is must be important.” 

The camera swings back to the man at the table. “If it was work or church or something, he would have just gone in. And he doesn’t have any friends.” The camera suddenly swings back to the girl, suddenly wide-eyed. “That sounds bad. He does have friends, he’s really nice, I promise. Just…” The girl’s eyes look up to her left. “I dunno, he just doesn’t have anyone he really talks with. Is that weird for papas?” She looks like she’s about to say more, but a voice spoken above her own half-whisper interrupts.

“Cosette? Cosette, is that you?” The girl—Cosette, apparently—’s eyes widen and her mouth drops open before the camera jerks the footage ninety degrees sideways, showing a worn sofa in front of a white wall with a crucifix affixed above it. The voices can still be heard.

“Yes, Papa.”

“Good heavens, my child, when did you get home?”

“Jus’ a coupla minutes ago.” There are soft footsteps.

“I wish you would have told me when you got in.” The video blurs again, and the next clear image is an extreme close-up of brown and gray hair, followed shortly by darkness. The voice is much louder the next time it speaks. “Something has come up at the church that I need to attend to. I need you to stay with Mademoiselle Simplice tonight. Can you do that?”

“Okay.”

“Thank you, my child. I’m sorry to do this on a school night.”

“It’s okay Papa, really.”

A slight motion again, and the deep voice insists, “You really are too good to me, Cosette.”

“Papa?” 

“Hm?”

“What’s happening at the church?”

There’s a long pause. “Paperwork,” the man says at last. “Someone is coming to visit soon, and everyone wants to make sure that there won’t be any problems.” The pause is shorter this time. “I’ll make dinner to send with you. Try to be ready to go in an hour.”

“How long will I be there?”

“Only tonight. There’s a lot of work to be done, and I don’t want you home alone so late. We’ll eat breakfast here tomorrow morning.”

“Okay.” The camera is not trained on anything distinguishable. “I love you, Papa.”

A breath seems to escape before the deeper voice responds, “I love you too, Cosette.”


	2. Episode 7: Documentation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [PieceOfCait](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PieceOfCait/pseuds/PieceOfCait) beta'd this for me, and I will be grateful to her forever for it. Check out her fics, too!
> 
>  **Warnings:** none

“Hey everyone! It's good to see all of you again!” The girl before the camera appears to be lycée-aged. Her rope twists are splayed across her shoulders, and her face bears a glowing, wide smile. One arm reaches forward and behind the camera.

“When I started this channel, I never expected it to get the attention that it did. I want to start by thanking all of you who watch my irregular and vague updates, and especially those of you who have left comments, feedback, and theories!” The video shifts for an awkward second, and suddenly the girl has use of both hands.

“For those of you watching for the first time today—hello! My name is Cosette. I’m sixteen years old, and this channel is dedicated to unravelling the mystery that is,” she leans in dramatically toward the camera, “my papa.

“For privacy reasons, I won’t disclose our full last name or location—though you may be able to guess at the latter from some of my outdoor videos. Also, because of the nature of the investigation, I can’t promise anything resembling ‘regularity’ in how frequently I post updates—but you can help my frequency by sharing your ideas!”

She shuffles through something off-camera for a moment before returning her focus. “To catch some of you up: my papa adopted me when I was seven. To be honest, I don’t remember much from before then, and Papa doesn’t talk about it. We’ve moved a couple of times throughout the years, but we’ve always stayed together, and Papa’s always taken really good care of me.

“Some of you pointed out that I have some videos of odd behaviors and observations, but I’ve never done any real digging into his background beyond asking him directly. So here I am following my investigation, and viewers, it is good.” Her smile shifts from pleasant to mischievous throughout the course of her final sentence.

“Papa is really organized with his legal documents—freakishly organized, honestly. But here’s the thing: I can’t find any paperwork with his name on it from before nine years ago.” She holds up a lease, waving “Ultime F” in the screen, a black censor bar chasing to follow the letters that proceed and several lines in the top corner. She turns the paper and reads a date: “January 2004.” Her eyes return to the camera. “The month after he started caring for me. 

“And here’s another interesting thing: there’s suddenly a lot of documentation from that date on. I remember us moving around a lot for a while, and we actually have leases for most of those places—though there’s a couple of gaps, and sometimes there’s two or three leases for the same month? And then a year or two after, he finally also has job papers.

“This is obviously a major breakthrough, but I don’t know what exactly it means. Viewers, please help me! I’m guessing that he needed documentation about caring for me, proof to show CPS or anyone who came poking around, but what do you think? How long do you all keep most of your lease papers? Any other ideas for why my papa doesn’t seem to exist before 2004? Comment below! Please remember to subscribe if you want to keep up with any new revelations!”


	3. Episode 23: Unpacking Video

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My eternal love and gratitude to my beta reader [PieceOfCait](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PieceOfCait/pseuds/PieceOfCait). She publishes Les Mis fics as well, and if you haven't yet you should take a look at them!
> 
> A year has passed since episode 7.
> 
>  **Warnings:** none

“Hello, and welcome back to Mysteries of 24601!” The video quality is good, and both of the girl’s hands are free. She has hundreds of small, thin braids pulled back in a thick ponytail. “And that’s right, after over two years and just over twenty videos, we finally have a channel name! One of our viewers pointed out a couple of videos back that my papa has a tattoo. I'd never thought much about it until then, and it’s been on my—and apparently many others’—minds since.

“In my last video, I had mentioned emergency bags, and everyone seemed to think this was really strange, so I thought I’d do a sort of ‘unpacking’ video for all of you today and talk through some of the things my papa and I always have!” She holds up a teal rucksack, a blurred smudge over what is probably a brand name.

“The very first thing for me is obviously clothing. Two changes, actually, just in case whatever I’m wearing when I leave isn’t good for travel. Along the same vein: I actually have a pair of sneakers just for this bag.” She pulls out a pair, frowning. “I don’t think these fit me anymore—I guess it’s been a while since we’ve needed out in a hurry.” She puts the shoes down, presumably next to the clothes. “There’s a blanket, an inflatable pillow, a USB wall charger, a solar power bank, a solar lamp,” she lists, tossing each item over her shoulder.

“I have copies of my ID papers, of course—birth certificate, social security card, driver’s license—and Papa always makes sure I have around €100 in small bills,” she says, producing a plastic bag of bills and some folded papers that she doesn’t bother unfolding from an outside pocket. “Everything else?” She dumps the bag over. “Snacks.”

A nearly endless supply of bags and bars fall from the overturned sack. Candy bars, granola bars, trail mixes, a blur that seems to be a jar of peanut butter. “Papa is always worried about me going hungry,” she shrugs. “They’re nice for trains and long car rides.” She looks at the pile again, a giant smudge for any viewers hoping to pick out exact foods. “I should probably trade some of these out, there’s no way they can keep forever.” She sweeps them unceremoniously onto the floor.

“More importantly: my papa’s rucksack.” A large brown-green bag appears on the feed.

“Clothes, shoes, blanket, pillow, tent, sleeping bags,” she lists, dropping each on the floor next to her. “Pretty similar to mine, though he always carries the bigger stuff for us.” She makes a face. “Candelabras?” They’re giant and silver, clearly heavy in her hands. Her expressional is quizzical before she shrugs, putting them on the floor with much more care than the previous items. 

She looks into one pocket on the side and smiles, rolling her eyes as she produces a flip cellphone. “I forgot he even had this. I’m sure it still works, though.” She places that on the desk in front of her. “Bible,” she says, pulling out a travel-sized copy of the New Testament. When she reaches in again her brow furrows in surprise. “Passports?” She pulls two blue booklets out. “Hmm, I don’t remember these.” She flips through without showing the camera the contents, snorting as she looks at one page. She flips through the other and appears slightly more puzzled.

“This is interesting,” she says. “This passport doesn’t say my papa’s name…I can’t say what it is in case it compromises our security, but…it’s not one that I’ve ever seen before.” She looks back at the camera. “Going through these bags isn’t a privacy breach in the way that some of my snooping has been, so I’ll ask him about these tonight.”

It seems that she’s done going through the second pack. The girl stares off into space for several beats before suddenly turning her attention back to the camera.

“Oh—right! Some of you asked for instances in which we’ve needed these before. For as long as I can remember, we’ve both always just had a bag ready. If any of you remember episode seven, I talked a little about all of the leases we had when Papa and I first became a family. I think he was working some odd jobs at the time, I don’t know. Anyway, after we finally settled down a bit more I was still too young for Papa to leave home alone when work and errands came up, so it was an overnight bag for when I had to stay with our neighbor or friends.

“These days, it’s mostly for if there’s some kind of emergency: last time, our landlord very suddenly disappeared during an investigation, I guess, and Papa decided we should find somewhere else to stay. Another time we took a surprise camping trip—Papa never really told me what that one was about, come to think of it. Now that I’m older, sometimes Papa has some errands he needs to run that he’d rather I be with him for, and sometimes they’re rather abruptly planned. He usually picks me up from school and already had my bag in the backseat, so it’s convenient for both of us. One time, I took him on a surprise weekend vacation, too, so it works both ways,” she smiles.

“I had always assumed that everyone did this, so I was a little alarmed when everyone started telling me that they don’t. What do you do in case of flooding or fire? What if you want to go on a surprise trip somewhere? What if you need to vacate your apartment suddenly? What do you do when you move?” Cosette shakes her head, still smiling. “I just don’t understand how this is unusual for anyone to do. I strongly recommend making one, if you don’t have one already.

“I love you all, thank you for your feedback! I have a couple of theories and avenues to explore for the next few episodes already, but as always, please comment with your thoughts and ideas below, and subscribe to continue following the tale of 24601 and Cosette! Bye!” The video ends with her hand extending toward the camera and covering the lens, credits and info about her editing program and camera model appearing in white letters over the black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My incredible beta-reader surprised me with this gorgeous [fanart](https://thepiecesofcait.tumblr.com/post/183139390211/if-you-havent-read-shitpostingfromthebarricades) of this episode because she is perfect and amazing in every way. <3
> 
> Most of these episodes have partner pieces. Some of them are more for foreshadowing or background information; others are entirely separate stories or spin-offs. Most of them will make little to no sense unless you're reading them alongside these episodes. This week's corresponding piece is [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17593901).


	4. Episode 30: House Tour!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [PieceOfCait](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PieceOfCait/pseuds/PieceOfCait) is a stunning beta reader whom I will never deserve. Check out her works too!
> 
> A year has passed since episode 23.
> 
>  **Warnings:** none

“Hello, and welcome to Mysteries of 24601! I’m Cosette, and some of you may be a little perplexed today.” The girl sits beautiful and radiant as ever, thin braids pulled over one shoulder. The walls behind her, usually light purple, are white, and a bed is visible. This is not her usual setting for indoor videos. “I mentioned it in passing several videos ago, and it came up again last video: we just had a moving day!

“If all of you are to be believed, ‘Moving Day’ for us is a little different from ‘Moving Day’ for the rest of you. I’ve never really thought to ask about it because, well, I just assumed everyone did it the way we do.

“We always move every two years. Sometimes something happens where we need to move sooner, but once two years has gone by, we’re out. Planned moving days are always over the summer. We pack our clothing and books and put them in storage and tell everyone we’re going on vacation—which we kind of do. We travel somewhere and ask around about the school and visit a lot of churches. Papa and I are kind of picky about churches—I’ll do another video about that at some other point in time, rest assured. Papa usually chooses the place based on schools he’s looked up that have good reputations and similar curriculums to where I was before. Once we’ve picked somewhere and found an apartment that allows month-to-month leases, we get our things from storage and move.

“Unplanned moving days mean we grab our packs and do the whole process slightly more rushed. Sometimes there’s time to grab some things, but Papa always says that books and clothes are replaceable. Which is easier said than done, honestly—I’m still a little bitter about having to leave behind my yearbook collection in M—in one place.” She sighs, but the next time she looks at the camera she’s smiling. “Some of you asked about furniture. We leave it behind. What are you supposed to do with it? Drag it with you everywhere? It’s so big, how would you even get a sofa around? We just get new stuff every time.

“A _lot_ of you asked about how this plays out with my papa’s work: he just puts in for a transfer. His boss is really close with us—I call him my uncle, he has the same last name as us, but I don’t think he’s actually related.” Her brow furrows again before uncreasing. “He told me once that he owes my papa his life, some favor from before I was in the picture, I guess. Never really thought about it.” She pushes her chair back before swiveling it in a circle.

“We just moved in today, so let’s talk about essential purchases.” She leans forward and picks up the camera. “Bed, obviously. Desk. Spinny chair. Shelves.” The camera tilts toward each item as it is said. Her face pops into the frame from the left. “Let’s go on a house tour while Papa’s still out.”

The room darkens as she exits, and it takes a moment for the new room to light up. “Sorry, still a little unsure where the light switches are around here,” she explains. The camera pans almost smoothly across the space, a living room with space sections off for a kitchen. “It’s empty right now, but the sofa and rug will be in tomorrow. Neither of us have ever really watched TV, so it’s never a priority until we decide we need a movie night, and these days we use my laptop. My dad hates subscribing to things, especially online, but I convinced him to get a Visa gift card for Netf—for a streaming service—and it’s made moving so much more streamlined.” The camera moves toward the kitchen.

“The kitchen is always the first thing that gets shopped for. Couple of pots, couple of pans, Tupperware, some serving dishes, our respective dish and utensil sets…” The camera turns to Cosette’s face. “That one, I know is weird. But we’ve literally never had visitors in my life. Each of us has a bowl, a plate, and a set of utensils. We wash them when we’re done. It’s easy, and dishes never pile up. Highly recommend.” She looks past the camera suddenly.

“My papa’s room is kind of his sanctuary. Well, sometimes literally, too—he likes to pray and meditate in there. I’m gonna look in and tell you what I see because I don’t feel comfortable showing his personal space without permission.” The camera moves with her down a hallway, and light bathes her face briefly. “Yeah, not much: a bedroll on the floor—not sure why he doesn’t just get a normal bed, that can’t be good for his back—some candles, a Bible. That’s it.” She sighs, making eye contact with the camera again. “Simple man, simple needs.

“Honestly though,” she says as she turns, leaning against the closed door, “eReaders and having my own personal laptop and a smartphone have made this so much easier. Papa is still very nervous about the laptop, but I always have it on me, and I’m usually careful about putting personal info online—with one exception,” she adds with a wink. 

She steps forward, yellow-y light shining on her. “This is the bathroom,” she says listlessly. The camera pans a little faster than before. “Bathroom, bathroomy things. Normal bathroom. Okay. Done with that,” she says, returning the camera to her face as she switches the light back off and moves through a room. 

“I think that about fills today’s quota. I’m going to be busy for a while getting settled in and enrolled for school before it starts, so it may be a while before I talk with you all again. Love you! Comment, like, subscribe, take care!” The lights turn off, the screen is black, and white credits show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The accompanying episode can be found [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17643965).


	5. Episode 41: Meet Marius! ft Marius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta-read by [PieceOfCait](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PieceOfCait/pseuds/PieceOfCait), whom I will never deserve. Check out her work, too!
> 
> This episode occurs spring term of uni, approximately four months after episode 34.
> 
>  **Warnings:** none

“Hey everyone! Welcome to Mysteries of 24601!” She has a floral silk scarf wrapped around her hair and is clearly not at home. “I’m Cosette, and today I have a special guest!” 

 

The screen suddenly changes perspectives, bringing an awkward-looking boy into focus. His face is freckled, his hair is auburn and short, and he looks like he’d rather be anywhere else…until his gaze turns over the camera and his face breaks into a soft smile. 

“Uh, right. I’m uh, I’m Marius.” He half-waves before returning his gaze back over the camera, whispering, “I’m doing everything all wrong.”

“There’s no way to do this wrong,” Cosette’s voice insists, and suddenly the image is sideways and Marius is panicking. “Well, that’s one way, I suppose,” her voice comes again, laughing.

 

Once righted, the video flips back to Cosette. “Today, my good friend Marius is going to help me continue unravelling the mysteries of my papa. He and I have spent the morning going through all of my old videos—which I cannot personally recommend, I have definitely grown as a videographer in the past four years—and he is totally caught up. He has also assured me of what all of you have repeatedly told me, albeit much more reluctantly than you all: there are a lot of weird things about our lifestyle.” 

 

The camera flips to Marius, who has begun nodding rapidly with wide eyes.

 

It returns to Cosette, when as she begins her next sentence: “I know I've been talking about university since moving here, basically, but this is the first time I'm actually doing a video on-campus. I will not disclose where it is and will be censoring any visible logos, but I’m sure some of you will be able to identify it nevertheless. In the interest of preserving my privacy, I politely request that you keep this information to yourself if you do know.

“Now here’s the interesting and relevant part,” she says, leaning conspiratorially toward the camera. “Some of the professors here know my papa. His name is totally lost on them, but when he drives me to uni on the way to work several of them have greeted him, and he greets them in return. The bishop actually seems to know him personally, and Papa had a very strange reaction the first time we saw him. We’ve been going to the campus church every week, though, and I think Papa stops by before he picks me up every day too.”

“You said you have his résumé, right?”

“I have his résumé!” Cosette announces, holding a piece of paper up to the camera. A lot of the lines are blacked out, even from the distance she holds it at. “The curious thing here is that he says he never pursued higher education past high school. His job history is airtight from high school right up until he took me in, too, and places him decidedly far from here. Furthermore, not only do the professors that know him say he was a student, they insist that he graduated! They can’t remember what year, and this university is large enough that even if his picture is in a yearbook somewhere it’d be impossible to find him.” She blows an exasperated stream of air out from closed lips.

“So why doesn’t he use it?” asks Marius.

“I don’t know. I can’t even get him to admit that he was a student here, and nothing comes up when I search any of the names I’ve ever known for him—any nicknames, the name from the passport, nothing.”

“What did he say when you were applying to universities?”

“He didn’t say anything,” Cosette responds. “He let me choose wherever I wanted.” There is no talking for several dead moments. 

Cosette retrains her eyes to the camera. “Thoughts? Ideas? Theories? Comment them below. Subscribe to follow the story. Like if you think Marius is a sweetheart bye!!” she rushes, last sentence coming out as one word and increasing in volume until the screen goes black, a new name joining hers in the credits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The accompanying story is [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17680382).


	6. Episode 56: Easter Eve/Surprise Collab!!! ft RtistandhisCourf (R & Courf)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peer-reviewed by the incredible [PieceOfCait](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PieceOfCait/pseuds/PieceOfCait).
> 
> This occurs about a year after episode 41.
> 
>  **Warnings:** reference to kink (not explicit), prison mention, gambling mention (in the form of a bet/dare)
> 
>  **Notes for readability:**  
>  \---- indicates a swear being censored (regardless of the number of letters in it--get creative).  
> X--- indicates a name or location being censored.  
> *word* indicates that the text is captioned in the video.

“Hello, and welcome back to Mysteries of 24601! As usual, I’m Cosette, and today is a very special treat! 

“As I mentioned in my Moving Day episode, I have literally never, ever, not even once, had any visitors over to any of the houses I’ve ever lived in. It would seem that this is a year for miracles! I asked Papa about hosting Easter here, since so many of my friends’ families live so far from campus and we only get the extended weekend, and he agreed! It’s still only Saturday, but some of my friends volunteered to come over and help with my video! I’ll allow them to introduce themselves.”

 

The screen flips to two gentlemen with equally curly hair. The one on the left leans forward on one forearm, an eyebrow raised and a smooth grin on his face, looking like he’s trying to seduce the camera. His hair is brunet and in a carefully styled undercut. The camera slowly adjusts and zooms onto him, cutting out the person to the right.

“Hey. Courf here, big fa—”

“Courf,” Cosette’s whisper hisses.

“What?” Courf’s sly grin has dropped into an innocent question.

“We said no last names!”

“Well yeah, but ‘Courf’ isn’t my full last name, and if you try to get us all to go by our first names everyone is just going to be confused.”

Another male voice cuts in. “The mid 90’s weren’t a good time for creative first names.”

“As long as we don’t use our full last names, I don’t see the problem,” continues Courf. “Most of our nicknames are variations on our last names anyway. It’ll just be weird otherwise.”

There’s a defeated sigh off-camera. “Resume.”

And just like that, Courf has the charm turned back on. “Hey. Courf here, big fan, longtime follower. Nice to meet you all. Dreams do come true.” He winks and blows a quick kiss to the camera. What sounds like a tired sigh comes from behind the camera again as it turns to the other guest. 

This man is leaning back, slouching in his seat. His curls are less tamed than Courf’s and darker, and the beanie on his head seems to hug around them. He has a sardonic and somehow tired grin on his face. “Hey, I’m R, aaaaaaaand I’m an alcoholic?” 

“Hi R,” respond Courf and Cosette in monotonous union off-camera, and R breaks into a wide smile.

“And as a special gift to Cosette and revenge for springing this video on us when we arrived,” Courf’s voice says, and the camera swings back to him, “this is actually a surprise collaboration!”

“What?” The camera pulls back, bringing R and Courf both back into the frame. 

“R and I actually run a channel together. Well, several, but all under one account. Playlists are a blessing from God,” intones Courf, and R nods seriously.

“And what is this channel name?”

“RtistandhisCourf.” Courf cocks a confident eyebrow. “I know, I know, pretty shocking to realize you know internet celebrities, but I assure you th—" 

“That’s…almost familiar? What sorts of videos? Maybe I know them.”

“Babe.” Courf is sustaining steady eye-contact with. “You’re on the internet and don’t know us? Really?”

A sigh that sounds an awfully lot like regret returns from behind the camera.

“I do speedpaints, some covers, and occasionally some ASMR videos. Courf, surprisingly, mostly stays behind the camera and edits. He also manages our social media handle, since I am, and I quote, ‘offensive.’”

While R speaks, Cosette has made her way around to the other side of the table, pulling a chair behind the two so she is seated between them.

“Well, this definitely is a ‘surprise collab’ in every sense of the phrase,” she says to the camera before looking at the boys on either side of her, “and so you’ve caught me a bit off-guard. But your channels sound really cool! I’ll be sure to check them out once we finish filming.” She looks back at the camera. “And you guys should, too! Find the link to their channels in the description below.”

She returns her attention to the two boys. “Now, I have some topic cards in my hands,” she says, brandishing some cards from apparently nowhere. Courf and R both seem surprised. 

“When did you even make those, we only agreed ten minutes ago—”

“Always prepared, Courf, always prepared,” Cosette responds, never breaking eye contact with the camera. “C'mon, the first one’s a lowball,” she says, nudging both of them. Courf seems hesitant, and R looks tired and already defeated, leaning forward on the table into his arms. “First question: what do you think of my lifestyle? Is it normal? What about it do you think is weird?”

“Oh my God, all of it” exasperates Courf at the same time as R says, “It’s all pretty weird.” Cosette smiles.

“What’s so weird?”

“You leave your furniture in your apartments after you leave???” Courf's disbelief is supported by R's emphatic nod. “What is wrong with you??? How do you even afford this lifestyle?? Just,” Courf’s hands gesture outward spastically. “Buying furniture, only to abandon it a year later?”

“My nightstand used to belong to my great-grandfather. It’s not an antique, we’re just a poor and nostalgic people,” R confirms. 

“Okay, so I saw the comments about this—” Cosette cuts herself off to look into the camera. “All of them.” She returns her look to the boys. “How do you move it?”

“Moving trucks.”

“Cars.”

“Really strong friends.”

“At least move it to the curb before you leave!” R says, throwing his hands into the air. “Save a college student’s life and a landlord a lot of hassle.”

“And let’s talk about moving every two years—how did that work with school? I know you said your dad’s paranoid about the government and everything, which honestly straddles the line between suspect and understandable, but figuring all of that out every time couldn’t have been easy.”

Cosette’s vision turns downward, eyebrows raised and hands extending out from her shrug as she did it. “We tried homeschool at first, but he had to work, and we could never find anything that worked out. Boarding school was never even on the table, thank goodness. Papa always tried to find schools with roughly similar curriculums, and we stayed in-district when we could, but…I mean, it was hard.” She looks up. “But I’ve never begrudged Papa for that, and I’m so glad we’ve always been able to stay together through our transitions.”

Courf puts a hand on Cosette’s back, and there is respectful silence for a few moments.

“So,” says R with a mischievous expression. “‘Papa.’ Awfully 19th century of you.” Courf shifts in his seat and looks off, eyebrows raised and lips pressed in a tight line.

“It’s what he told me to call him when we started living together. I think he wanted me to differentiate him from the man who was taking caring of me before him, but I doubt that was ever going to be a problem.”

“And you’ve never converted to anything more…present-century dialect?” 

“Well, I used to also call him by another title, but then some of my followers sort of sullied—” She seems to take notice of the expressions on either side of her, eyes widening. “Oh my God,” she says. “Oh my God!” she repeats, each word accentuated by an angry finger stab into R’s chest.

“Hey, I don’t handle media presence, that’s all Courf.”

“RtistandhisCourf?? You’re the ones behind the—” She drops her voice to a loud whisper. “The ‘Daddy Ultime’ movement???” 

Courf’s eyebrows are still raised when he looks at her, mouth opening with a pop. 

“Well, I mean…he is daddy,” he shrugs. R starts laughing hysterically.

“Never say that around me again.”

“I’m already well on my way to winning a bet for calling him it at Easter dinner.”

“I’ll double it not to.”

“I consider the bet free money for something I was planning to do anyway.” Courf turns from Cosette and winks at the camera.

“Why?”

Courf returns his attention to Cosette, grin growing. “You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.” 

R falls out of his chair, and neither Cosette nor Courf break eye-contact to look.

“So Cosette, what’s our next topic?” R’s laughter has finally stopped, but he has not returned to his seat yet. Cosette holds Courf’s look for another few seconds before looking down at her cards.

“24601—is there a story behind it? What is it?” A moment of silence. “Aren’t you the account that identified that first?” Her expression shifts to slight horror.

“Technically, that was R.”

R’s head pops up suddenly, neck and shoulders still below the table. “I was drawing him! There were no malicious or unsavory intentions!”

“You were spending an awful lot of time on his forearms and hands…”

“I have a boyfriend!”

“And I have Daddy Ultime as numbers one, two, and three on my celebrity hallpass: relationships mean nothing.”

“Oh my God, I hate both of you.” Cosette shakes her head, still appearing mortified. “Just…just answer the question. Please.”

“I think it’s a uh…oh, _pu_ —” The string of words that follows gets censored, and R’s mouth is blurred.

“What word? It might be one of those ones that’s similar enough that I can figure it out from the Spanish version.”

R’s mouth and words are censored again. Across the bottom of the screen, the white caption reads, *I can’t trust either of them to know that this isn’t swearing.*

“Number that you get after police capture you. I know this,” and the rest of the sentence is lost to the void once more.

Courf’s eyebrows furrow. “Jail number? Prisoner ID?”

“Yeah, that.”

Cosette looks surprised.

“It’s a common theory, it was all over that episode’s comments. This can’t be your first time hearing of it,” R says, confusion written into his features.

“For one thing, I had to turn off that episode’s comments—sorry, everyone—because a _certain movement_ had just taken off the previous episode.” She glares at Courf, who looks proud. “But also,” she says more softly, “I just want to believe that no one would brand another person like that. It’s...inhumane.” 

“Sometimes prisoners do their own tatts. I mean, my _avô_ told me that he and his friends would do it as, like, a way to take back ownership over their bodies. But I mean, they also didn’t tattoo their prisoner numbers. So. Slightly different.”

“In any case, he’s out now, and he’s here, and he’s being an absolute D—”

“Don’t finish that sentence, Courf. Don’t do it.” There is another brief moment of silence.

“How does that work, anyway? With adoption?” R looks up at Cosette while tugging at the strings of his hoodie.

“I’m not actually sure. I know the foster system is a lot more lenient than adoption. And he has all of those documents for CPS, right? So maybe they just watched him really closely for a while.”

Courf and R look at each other. “Yeah, maybe,” R remarks dubiously.

“So is that the only theory you both have about 24601?”

“The only one that won’t get me slapped, yeah.”

“Love the self-control, Courf. Next topic!”

The sound of a door opening interrupts them, and light shines over the three’s faces, making Courf and Cosette grimace and squint respectively. R puts his head back below the table.

When the light disappears, R finally sits once again in his chair, and Cosette calls out, “Good afternoon, Papa!”

“Hello, Cosette. And you two must be Cosette’s friends.”

Courf stands up, shoulders and head out of the frame. “Jean C---, but you can call me Courf.” His arm extends over the table, seeming to hold onto the large, rough hand that appears from behind the camera for slightly longer than is normally appropriate. He doesn’t sit back down in his seat: instead, he sits on the table, leaning toward the father-figure.

“Jean. Good name.”

“Then you can call me Jean.” 

Cosette puts her head in her hands, and R has put up his hood and is looking away from the scene.

“In the interest of keeping Easter familial, what are your feelings on being called ‘Daddy’?”

R pulls the strings of his hoodie to close off his face. Cosette is glaring in Courf’s direction.

“I’ll leave that up to Cosette,” the man responds with a laugh.

Cosette opens her mouth to speak, and Courf takes her hand. His face is still off-screen, and Cosette looks up at it with serious consideration accompanied with severe eye-narrowing.

When she breaks away, Courf’s voice is speaking again: “We’ve discussed it already, she says it’s fine.”

“Well then, welcome to the family. And you too—Cosette, please, who is this other friend of yours?”

R yanks at the hood, opening the face. “R, Monsieur. Just R.”

“Well R, it’s very good to meet you. And Cosette, my dear, when you have a minute, would you take this month’s rent to Madame H---? The money’s next to the sink; I’m afraid I have business at the church to attend to.”

“Of course.” Cosette’s look of dread and embarrassment has melted away into a soft smile, adoring eyes peering up above the camera. “Good luck, Papa!”

“See ya, Monsieur F!”

“Bye, Daddy!”

Courf sits in his seat once more as the door with an extremely pleased look on his face. Once the door shuts, Cosette begins speaking. “Until we graduate. If you drop out, you have not yet graduated, and you still have to continue editing my videos for me until you do.”

“He’s even more daddy in person,” Courf sighs wistfully.

R is looking off-camera. “---- Cosette, do you pay your rent in cash?”

Cosette matches R’s movement. “Yeah? How else would we pay it?”

“Check?”

“Online?”

“Sexual favors?”

“Empty promises of sexual favors? I would take that, if it came fr—”

“You will not finish that sentence, Courf." Her expression shifts as she shrugs. "I don’t know, we always pay for everything in cash. I’m vaguely aware of a uni fund for me, but otherwise we’re not involved with banks.”

Courf and R look at each other again.

“Cosette. My love, my darling.” Courf is holding her hand, rubbing the top with his thumb, and his other hand has reached out to touch her cheek. “Have you ever seen your adoption papers?”

R, who was already braced, still flinches. Cosette’s face freezes. She takes an extremely visible and audible breath before speaking. “No, but that doesn’t mean anything. I mean, your family doesn’t have to adopt you to be your foster parents.”

Courf speaks more softly this time. “Have you ever seen any foster care paperwork?” R has turned now, rubbing his hand up and down her arm.

“I’ll—I’ve…I’ve never looked for it. I’ll look for it,” she says a little more strongly. 

“That might be a strong lead, my dear.”

A pregnant moment later, Cosette turns to the camera. “What are your thoughts on all of this? If my papa is an ex-convict, what does it mean for us? Why might my adoption or foster papers be especially challenging to find? Is anything worth allowing Courf to call my papa ‘daddy’? Comment below, subscribe to follow the tale! And uh…look for me in RtistandhisCourf’s upcoming videos.”

“Courf.”

“R.”

“Out,” say the two, dabbing in unison, and Cosette laughs through terrible fire explosion animation.

In the black final screen, an asterisk indicates that Courf will begin editing the following week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ([Comments section for episode 21](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17593901) making a little more sense now?)
> 
> Several fun facts this episode! 1) This was the point where I had to take a break when I started writing this last year because I realized I wouldn't be able to finish it as a one-shot. 2) Daddy kinks squick me the hell out--but it was too in-character for me not to.
> 
> You also get two bonus sections to this chapter! Check out [RtistandhisCourf's collab episode](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17727233) (released two weeks later) and a [cute ExR narrative](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17726846) that follows a day or two after Easter.


	7. Episode 72: Adulting ft Muse & Leaf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evaluated with a fine-toothed comb by the generous, kind, and gracious [PieceOfCait](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PieceOfCait/pseuds/PieceOfCait)
> 
> This episode happens around a year after episode 56.
> 
>  **Warnings:** reference to basic sex ed, reference to illegal activity

Cosette sits on a brown sofa to the left of two people, the bottom third of a painting above them. The person in the center of the couch is a beautiful smiling woman with skin just a shade darker than Cosette’s interrupted periodically by pale patches. On the far right sits a scruffy-looking man in a plaid flannel with dark locs bundled on top of his head.

“I’m Cosette!”

“I’m Muse!” the middle woman exclaims with equal enthusiasm.

*I’m* begins the man, captions clarifying the initial gesture’s meaning. It’s a moment before Cosette looks over at a mute Muse and the man himself, furiously jazz hands-ing with an unbelievably cheesy grin.

“...Leaf. He’s Leaf,” an exasperated Muse translates.

“And welcome to Mysteries of 24601!” Cosette boisterously greets, throwing herself over the other two.

 

A brief opening sequence begins playing featuring clips and cuts from previous videos as wordless upbeat beat plays over it, blurring into a title screen at the end of its allotted five seconds.

 

“This is why we were supposed to go over his name beforehand, ‘Sette! Exactly so he couldn’t pull this kind of bull----!” Muse berates, urgently hitting the side of one hand to the flat of the other.

Cosette and Leaf giggle helplessly on either side of her.

 

The frame changes all to all of them sitting upright and much more seriously at the sofa.

“Hello everyone! A couple of episodes ago, my special guests Doc and Eagle came to the discovery that there are some rather basic things I have no experience with and some special skills that I evidently have no business possessing. As such, we’re going to explore that in more detail today, and my guests will help assure that I have the means by which to be a real functioning adult before I graduate and go into the big, wide world.

“Joining me today are two Real Adults who have been living in the real world with actual responsibilities for several years now!”

Muse and Leaf both give a wave.

“Leaf is probably the adult-est adult I know, intro aside.” She turns to face the man, smiling. “I think he got his first job at sixteen?”

Leaf’s hands move impossibly fast in response, and Muse lends him her words as Cosette continues to watch him. “Above the table, yes, though I started doing odd jobs long before then. I was bounced around from place to place a lot in foster care, so self-sufficiency became pretty important to me.”

At “foster care” Cosette perks up, bouncing impatiently as she waits for Leaf to finish. 

“You were in foster care?” she asks excitedly.

Leaf’s splayed fingers jerk up and down in sync with his head, followed by a flurry of motions. “Yeah, basically my whole life. Courf mentioned that you were too?”

“Not for too long. I barely remember any of it,” Cosette admits.

Leaf shrugs good-naturedly. “Not a bad thing.”

They share a look before Cosette pushes onward.

“And some of you may remember Muse from her cameo appearance in our video with her boyfriends when we explored the hospital system.” 

“And why there is no reason Cosette shouldn’t go when she’s sick or injured instead of insisting on treating herself,” Muse adds pointedly, shaking her head in disbelief. 

Leaf taps both of their knees, bringing the women’s attention to him as he signs with his brows furrowed. “You don’t go to the hospital when you’re sick?” 

“My papa always took care of me himself and taught me how to patch up most injuries, so we never needed to.”

“Didn’t you watch the episode with Doc and Eagle?” Muse asks Leaf, signing as she speaks.

The man waves a nonchalant finger in front of himself. “There’s no closed captions.”

Cosette’s mouth forms a perfect ‘o’ in shock. “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry, I hadn’t even thought about--”

Leaf’s hands are already moving in twin circles before she even finishes. “It’s fine, it’s fine, no worries. I would try to read your lips, but a lot of times people don’t look at the camera.”

Cosette grimaces. She looks like she’s about to apologize again when Muse speaks up.

“Ahem, beautiful, wonderful, talented, adult guest waiting to be introduced?” She playfully flutters her eyelashes. The redirection seems to relax Cosette, and Leaf gently leans in to bump against Muse.

“Right, thank you,” Cosette smiles, turning back to the camera. “Together, Muse and Leaf co-own and operate a joint patisserie-cafe. They were recently featured on the news for their efforts in providing jobs in the deaf community. To check out the news segment or go to their facebook page, find the links in the description below!”

Muse and Leaf both give a cheesy thumbs-up.

“So, as we mentioned earlier, three episodes ago Eagle and Doc took me to the hospital for the first time in my life. As anyone who has seen the video might remember, Eagle dropped the keys down a storm drain on our way out, and I had to hotwire the car to get us to Doc’s place so we could get his spare keys. Apparently this is bizarre?”

Leaf’s face is slack, and Muse shakes her head. Suddenly Leaf’s hands are flying into motion, his face shifting expressions as he goes. “When would you ever need to employ this skill?” 

“And Leaf speaks for both of us on this one, what the ----?” 

“It was pretty handy three episodes ago,” Cosette grins. “My papa and I have had a handful of situations where we either didn’t have time or forgot to grab the keys and needed to move quickly, and being able to hotwire a car was invaluable.”

Muse and Leaf wear matching expressions, mouths open and squinting at Cosette as if still processing.

“Can we get like...an example of one such situation?” Muse requests, still looking perplexed.

“The last time I had to do it, our neighbor’s apartment was the scene of a drug bust when we were coming back from our landlady’s, and Papa didn’t want us there for it.”

Leaf’s mouth finally shuts, and he looks off to the side like he’s considering his reaction. Muse’s mouth opens like she’s going to say something, then closes soundlessly.

“Y’know, there’s a lot to unpack here, but let’s throw away the whole suitcase,” Muse says at last. 

Cosette shrugs, turning back to the camera. “I have asked my beautiful, wonderful, stunning adult friends here to each write five important skills they think everyone should have before moving into the adult world. I have mine here, and…” She trails off, looking over to her friends. 

Muse appears rather guilty and is looking off-camera uncomfortably. She signs something that the viewers can’t see to Leaf, who immediately mirrors her reaction.

“And we’ll be right back after a short intermission.”

 

The screen is black but for *Intermission* in big letters in the center of the screen. Elevator music plays for several seconds before the scene reverts to the host and her friends.

 

The three people are in the same spots, but now they all sit in unconventional positions with notepads and pens in their hands. Leaf leans back against the arm of the sofa with his feet resting flat on the cushion in front of him, notepad resting upright against his thighs. Muse is cross-legged in the center of the sofa, deep red skirt draped over her legs and contrasting starkly against the white of her notepad. Cosette sits on the opposite arm, knees together and feet tucked between the cushions. Her pen is moved down to a point on the notepad that rests in her lap when she looks up to the camera and begins speaking.

“Okay! So each of us made lists of top five most important skills for being an adult--but then we realized that we all had the same item for our first skill, so we decided to go with six. We’re going to go around saying what we have on our lists and crossing them off, and then whatever’s left I’ll teach them, or they’ll teach me!”

“First one then,” Muse prompts.

“Cooking,” they all say in impressive and likely practiced unison.

Muse barrels on seamlessly. “I don’t get people who don’t know how to prepare food for themselves?” 

“Your life is dependent on other people,” Cosette adds. 

“If you live alone, that’s an enormous amount of your budget dedicated to eating out,” Leaf continues. 

Muse and Cosette both nod in solidarity.

“Leaf won paper-scissors-rock, so he has the honor of going first.” Muse smiles genially before turning expectantly to the man himself, who does a dramatic bow before consulting with his notebook.

He interlocks two rings formed with his thumb and forefinger. “Healthy relationships and effective communication.”

Muse makes a small note in her notebook as she speaks. “I had almost exactly the same thing. That and being able to identify unhealthy relationships.”

“You can try to keep to yourself as much as you want, but in the end of the day other people are what make life worth living,” Cosette agrees. “If someone doesn’t add to your life in a positive way and vice versa, then they’re not worth going out of your way for.”

Muse and Leaf both look at Cosette with raised eyebrows.

“Not that I have ever once in my life doubted your self-respect or self-love, but I’m a little surprised to hear you say that you’re so ready to cut people out,” Muse remarks.

Cosette knits her brows. “I wouldn’t say cut them out so much as not expend extra energy on a one-way relationship. I’m more than happy to reach out to and keep up with people, but when it feels like I’m the only one putting in effort I’m not going to beat myself up over letting it go.” 

Leaf tilts his head. “You moved around a lot before you started university, right?” 

“I did.”

“Have you really kept up with anyone from then?”

Cosette bites her lip. “I’ve tried? I never really had time to get close with most of them. We still ring Mademoiselle S--- up every once in a while, and obviously Uncle F--- has been in our lives since forever. But a lot of times when I tried to keep up with the friends I did make after we’d move they had already moved on to the next thing. Sometimes I didn’t have time to make any friends before we moved, or the community was so small that we never really were welcome. We didn’t usually stay in those places too long, though.”

Muse reaches over to rub Cosette’s arm sympathetically, and Leaf nods in understanding.

“I’m sorry,” he indicates, rubbing his hands together sincerely.

Cosette looks to him. “No worries, I have more friends now than I have any idea what to do with.” She clears her throat, looking down to her notepad. “I guess that’s me, then. I kind of said it before, but basic wilderness-slash-survival training. At least enough to live for up to a week without a home.”

Muse and Leaf look at her with twin looks of disbelief.

“Your experience is not universal.”

“Have you had to do that before?” Muse asks in horror.

Cosette looks at them in surprise. “Sometimes we had to camp for a while between leases, or if something came up where it was a good idea to stay away for a couple of days we’d do that instead of moving.”

Leaf signs over his knees. “Were you aware that motels exist?”

“I mean, yeah, but...don’t you need an ID to stay there?”

“Is that a problem?”

Cosette looks off to the side. “We usually avoi--sorry,” she says, turning to face Leaf. “We usually avoid things that require any sort of ID. I've never really put much thought into it, it's just always been a dealbreaker.”

Leaf and Muse exchange a look.

“Okay. Some people don’t trust the government, and even more people don’t like cops. That’s understandable,” Leaf signs in gentle motions.

“And anyway, it’s great prep for the ‘inevitable apocalypse via aliens/zombies/economic crash,’ if the boys are to be believed,” Muse counts off, rolling her eyes with a smile. “So, since it looks like you’re gonna be giving us a crash course on this when we finish, what exactly do you have in mind? What’s in store for us?”

Cosette gets a devilish grin and consults her notebook, apparently ticking off points with her pen as she speaks. “Preparing a quick-move kit, picking out neighbors you can trust in a crisis, selecting an outdoor sleep set-up, building a fire, basic campfire foods, low-level hunting and trapping, bare basics understanding of edible plants in the area. Quick tear-down,” she lists, ever so slightly smug as she ticks each item. She looks like she’s considering something for a moment, then she begins writing again as she speaks. “Familiarity with local storage facilities is also suuuuper-helpful.”

Leaf lets out a low whistle. “That’s a lot of things.”

“I’ll probably just pick one or two--but if you can’t carry your own weight, you may find yourselves on your own in the case of a zombie apocalypse,” she warns. “So you’d better do some independent research.”

Muse and Leaf’s eyes widen comically as they look at each other. 

“I will fight you for her,” Muse says in response to something Leaf has not finished signing. They narrow their eyes at one another, scrunching their noses and leaning toward one another until their faces nearly touch before pulling apart and laughing. 

“Anyway,” Muse finally says, laughter subsiding. “My next item was safe-sex.”

Leaf nods enthusiastically before quickly gesturing, “I’m aroace, and I still think the basics of how things work is important for everyone to be familiar with.”

Cosette is quiet. 

“Cosette,” Muse hedges cautiously.

“I learned about puberty when I was...ten? Papa buys the stuff I ask him to, but it’s not something we’ve ever talked about. And I know everyone wants to believe this about their parents, but I’ve never seen him bring anyone around or anything. He’s basically either at work or with me. I guess he could sneak out at night, but…” Her face wrinkles.

“Cosette.” Muse’s face is serious as she waits for the other girl to look at her. “Are you telling me that the extent of your sexual education stops at tampons?” 

Cosette’s face turns down to her notebook briefly briefly her eyes turn up to Muse. “And pads?”

Muse looks at Leaf, signing along with her words. “Okay Leaf, we’re bringing Cosette up to speed on everything she needs to know about sex. Right here, right now. Nineteen years of knowledge.”

Cosette pinkens at that. “That’s really not necessa--”

Leaf silences her with a motion. 

“Do you have any bananas in the kitchen?” Leaf asks. Muse is moving from the couch before she even finishes translating.

 

The video fast-forwards an indefinite period of time to Leaf explaining, “if the other person tries to tell you that you don’t need protection, that makes it doubly important that you insist on it.”

 

The video picks up pace again, slowing on Muse with her hands splayed and palms-forward on either side of her face while her tongue moves up and down at a furious pace, Leaf and Cosette both doubled over in giggles.

 

The video skips ahead again and slows to all of them jumping on the sofa to a pop song, the frame cutting just above their hips. Muse and Cosette’s voices can be heard shouting along with the music.

 

The threes’ actions speed up once more and return to the normal pace in time for Leaf to be listing off to a fascinated Cosette, “If it hurts, see a doctor. If it itches, see a doctor. If it’s oozing something that it doesn’t normally or in a way that is unusual, see a doctor. If there are any strange bumps that weren’t there before, see a doctor.”

“And if doctors still make you nervous, you can consult with Doc,” Muse inserts.

 

The video zips forward again to show Muse and Leaf lounging leisurely with plates of food. Cosette moves from off-camera, placing her food and water on the coffee table and sitting on the floor in front of it.

*OBSERVE THE JOYS THAT MULTIPLE SETS OF DISHES CAN BRING, COSETTE. GAZE UPON IT IN WONDER.*

“Sex ed works up quite the appetite,” Muse says directly to the camera with a wink.

Leaf grins before biting into some sort of wrap. He drops it on the plate after, nudging Muse with a knee.

“Your dad certainly didn’t neglect your cooking skills.”

Cosette laughs. “It’s our favorite thing to do together, even more than camping. And Papa…” She quickly glances at the painting above the sofa before shaking her head with a smile. “When Papa puts his mind to cooking, he’ll make a feast. Even after we sent R and Courf home with leftovers, we were still sharing with our landlady for a week. Our church charity dinners could probably be sustained on his contribution alone.”

She smiles a little longer before turning her attention to the food in front of her. Cosette raises herself over the plate, bracing an arm in front of it before picking up the wrap and devouring it in what can’t be more than five ferocious bites.

At Cosette’s posturing, Muse had frozen with her wrap centimeters from her face, jaw dropped.

Leaf knocks at the table to get her attention, smiling widely. “Is there a reason you eat like you’re in prison?”

Muse laughs, delighted. “Oh my God, you do!”

Cosette blushes deeply, bringing a napkin up to daintily wipe around her mouth before answering. “It’s how my papa eats. I never really thought about it.”

“Yeah, yeah, you have the whole ‘don’t look at me or my food ever again’ vibe going on,” laughs Muse.

“You eat like you’re in a race,” Leaf posits. “Enjoy your food, this is delicious.”

 

When the video jumps ahead this time, the three peoples’ dishes are gone, and everyone is back in their original seating arrangement.

“Basic financial know-how,” Leaf signs boldly.

“Essential,” Cosette agrees.

“Crucial,” Muse nods. 

“Budgeting, paying bills, investing, building your credit score,” Leaf lists.

“Well, I mean,” Cosette interrupts, “you don’t really _need_ credit.”

Leaf and Muse look at Cosette.

“Cosette...do you have ---- credit? Because credit is what gets you approved for loans, and if you have ---- credit you’re gonna have a hard time making major purchases.”

“Oh my goodness, no! Of course not! I never buy anything I can’t afford outright.”

Leaf’s face alights with understanding. “Have you ever applied for a credit card at all?”

“I don’t even have a bank account, why would I need a credit card?”

Leaf nods, standing up as Muse groans.

“C’mon Kiddo, get your keys and personal documents, we’re going to the credit union. Leaf’ll explain credit on the way there.” 

 

The scene cuts to a lobby. The camera handling is shakier than normal, and the room is washed-out compared to the lighting in the scene before. The focus zooms in on Muse’s face until she turns, making a face and motioning for the camera to turn out to the lobby.

The video swings around to a line in front of a cubicle where Cosette can be seen standing. Her heel taps against the ground as she periodically looks around the lobby. When her eyes fall on the camera, she gives a wave followed by a double thumbs-up, both accompanied by a cheesy grin.

“Fieeeeeld trip!” a floating voice behind the camera cheers. When the camera swings back to Muse, she is smiling and holding up two fingers in mini celebration.

 

The scene cuts again, this time void of sound, to the cubicle Cosette sits in. Muse stands next to her, leaning over the desk on one arm and saying something very pointedly that cannot be heard to the man who sits across from them. Cosette turns to look at the camera, eyes wide and eyebrows high as Muse continues to, presumably, argue on Cosette’s behalf.

 

The cut that follows is in a parking lot. Cosette is skipping with a big smile, and Leaf walks on the far side of her with a small grin and his hand tucked into his pockets, hunched over against the wind that can be heard gusting over the mic.

“Okay Baby Girl, what happened?”

The skipping turns into a side-shuffle as Cosette pulls matching blurs out of both pockets of her puff-vest. “I have my own credit and debit cards!” She pulls them back, shoving them into her pockets. “Muse co-signed for me and made sure I got a good maximum credit and rate of interest and rewards system for spending and ahhhhhhhh. I feel like a real adult!” she cheers, throwing her empty hands into the air!

Leaf turns to look at her now, grinning like a proud father. The camera suddenly swings around to Muse’s face. “Our baby’s growing up!” she declares, feigning a sniffle and staring off into the distance. It might be emotional if the camera wasn’t shaking and attempting to focus on the car behind her.

*You guys are never allowed to record anything for this channel ever again. Love, Courf*

 

The scene changes again. Cosette leans into the door of a beat-up sedan while Leaf stands in the foreground clutching at himself against the everpresent wind.

“It would seem that the keys got locked in the car,” Muse’s voice explains. “One of Cosette’s items, apparently, included breaking into various motorized vehicles, so she’s demonstrating this essential life skill for us now. I’m not zooming in too closely because we at Mysteries of Twenty-Four Forty-One or whatever don’t encourage illegal activity. So I’m just going to...turn off the camera and definitely not watch as we totally legally get into our vehicle. Bye now!”

*totally legit*

 

The video shows the living room once again, everyone sitting back upright but in the same spots as before. Cosette’s dark cheeks flush darker than usual.

“Yeah, so apparently when Cosette said ‘breaking into vehicles’ was on her list she wasn’t actually kidding?? Leaf, did you think she was kidding?”

“No.”

“I did,” Muse asserts. “Cosette? Explain?”

Cosette clears her throat. “Basic vehicular know-how.”

“And that entails what, exactly?”

Cosette looks down before looking up again. “Basic repair and maintenance.”

“Yep,” Leaf agrees.

“Emergency repairs--flat tires, jumping the car.”

“Yep.”

“Accessing your vehicle’s functions in case keys aren’t available.”

There is silence in response, during which time a long sigh can be heard being released.

Muse begins to shake her head until she brings it up again high enough for her massive smile to be visible to the camera. “Cosette, I love you so much.”

Cosette’s face, which had been tense with worry, breaks with a great sigh of relief to match Muse’s expression. Muse clasps Cosette’s hand in her own, and Leaf reaches over to tap Musichetta’s knee.

“----, you’re right, it is my turn.” She looks down at her list. “----, y’all are taking all of mine, I’ve only got two left, and ‘Sette stole half of one.” She shrugs, still holding the woman’s hand. “Guess I’ll knock the other half out now: household and car maintenance. I swear, my boyfriends’ parents failed them: I am the only person in the house who can replace oil, unclog a toilet, or capture and release a spider.”

“I’d like to expand that to basic repair and maintenance on all belongings,” Leaf adds. “Properly cleaning, caring for, and patching up clothing, how to take care of a knife…”

“If you don’t know basic sewing, carpentry, and metalworking, how are you ever going to be able to live on your own?” Cosette agrees. “...no? That’s. Just me again, then?”

“Those are very useful skills, but most people just get a repairman or buy a new one instead of bothering to repair anything wooden or metal,” Leaf explains. “I do it, but I certainly wouldn’t expect everyone to be able to.”

Cosette seems to think about this. “Papa doesn’t like strange visitors.”

Muse and Leaf nod in agreement. “That would do it,” the latter gestures.

“In any case, I do believe you gathered the only two people in our friend group capable of both,” Muse says, high-fiving Leaf.

“Real adults,” Cosette says to the camera, gesturing at the two ‘adults’ on her couch who have turned to making silly faces to the lens while their friend is turned away from them. When she turns to look at them, their expressions become serious again as they stoically sign amongst themselves.

*Taxes* appears in small white letters under Leaf as the two go back and forth. 

*Car payments* 

*Vegetables* 

*Going to bed before midnight* 

“Leaf,” Cosette says in unison with her hands. When he’s looking at her, smirking, she continues. “It’s your turn.”

He nods, searching for his notebook before dropping it to the floor again. He looks at the camera first. “This is for you, Apollo: voting and voter’s rights.”

*Apollo’s never gonna watch this, so I told him: he unironically cheered and says he loves you*

Muse and Leaf both look at Cosette, who sighs. 

“Where’s your laptop?” Muse asks, heaving herself off of the sofa.

 

The scene cuts back to Cosette sitting in the center with Leaf and Muse perched to the right and left of her respectively. The laptop on the coffee table is a blur of bright colors, presumably censored stickers. The screen lights Cosette’s face up where she kneels in front of it, eyes wide and expectant.

“Yes!” she suddenly yelps. She high-fives Leaf’s readied hand and is pulled into Muse’s waiting bosom immediately after. “I’m registered to vote in P---!”

“We’re so proud of you,” Leaf lets her know, exaggerating the waggling of his fingers.

“Now that you’re a real participating citizen of this proud republic, are you ready to read off your next item?”

Cosette falls back on the couch dramatically with a happy sigh before making a grabby hand toward a spot on the floor.

Muse smiles, kneeling to pick something up before settling to the left of Cosette, legs thrown over the latter’s lap.

“Oh wow, last one!”

“Really?” Muse scrambles to grab her notebook. “----, me too.”

“Same,” Leaf indicates.

“I guess we kind of covered mine with Doc and Eagle, but I have basic first aid.”

Muse’s eyes look upward as if considering something. “Mine’s similar. I have self-care. So like, first aid and exercising--love you Doc--but also mental health. What your triggers are, how you handle them, how you reward yourself.”

For the first time the entire episode, Cosette and Muse look in unison toward Leaf.

The man looks startled by the attention. “What? I take care of myself.”

“You absolutely do not. You have taken one day off since we opened the shop, and it was to visit your Polish not-grandpa in the hospital.”

Leaf shrugs in bewilderment. “I like my lifestyle, my lifestyle makes me happy. I have satisfying relationships, a job that makes me happy, and enough money to be financially stable.”

The women look adoringly at him.

“If that truly makes you happy,” Cosette grants.

His hand jerks rapidly in approval. “And along that vein: my final skill that every adult should know is how to interview.”

The status quo returns, and Cosette is on the receiving end of both adults’ attention once more.

“I interview all the time!”

“You interview other people. I’d bet that other people don’t interview you,” Leaf deadpans.

“And you’d bet right,” Muse tattles.

“How could you?” Cosette whispers, making Leaf laugh.

“Calm down,” he commands, “you probably have the skills already. We’ll just do a practice-interview here and give feedback. Sound good?”

Cosette signs her “yes.” 

“First question: what job experience do you have?” Muse switches from her friendly demeanor to an authoritarian one quickly enough that it seems hard to believe that she was smiling just moments before.

Cosette visibly swallows. “I haven’t held a paying job before now, but I’ve volunteered twice a week at local soup kitchens for basically as long as I can remember, and I’ve also taken part in organizing a lot of fundraisers at my church.”

“Would you be able to provide references for those?” Muse continues.

“Absolutely.”

“What would you say is your biggest strength and your biggest weakness?” Leaf asks, equally stern.

Cosette takes a moment to consider before looking at Leaf dead-on. “My biggest strength is probably my compassion and ability to talk with other people? I think my biggest weakness would be...that I’ve never had a job before, so I’m not entirely familiar with the skills that a position in...your cafe?” she asks, continuing at Muse’s nod, “might entail. But! I’m a fast learner, and an eager one as well.”

Leaf nods as he scribbles something down. 

“Where do you see yourself in five years?” Muse’s lips purse slightly, eyebrows raising as if in challenge.

Cosette’s answer is automatic. “P---. Here.” She looks surprised at herself before continuing. “I mean. I don’t know that for sure, I suppose. But this is the first place I’ve wanted to stay, with every part of me.”

Leaf and Muse’s faces soften at that, and Leaf returns to writing.

“Last question,” Leaf warns once his pen is down. “Why should we hire you?”

“Because I’m a hard worker,” Cosette answers automatically. “I’m smart, and people like me, which means I’m easy to work with and able to handle customers. I do well under stress--as you observed earlier today,” she adds with a laugh. “I’m also learning sign language already, so I’m prepared and committed to being able to communicate with your other staff members and all manner of customers we may have come in.”

Leaf has been watching her carefully through the answer. They stare at one another in silence for several moments before Leaf finally moves. “When can you start?”

Cosette heaves a sigh of relief.

“Babe,” Muse says. Cosette turns to face her. “If you want, that job is yours. No games.”

Cosette gapes at her, then turns to gape at Leaf, who nods with a smile. 

“I--yes! Yes, yes, yes!” Cosette clamps Leaf into a hug that his clenched arms have a hard time returning before turning back to throw herself onto Muse. Muse had a moment to prepare herself, arms already open and prepared to accept Cosette.

As she pats Cosette’s back, she says, “You even have an account now for direct deposit.”

Cosette pulls back, eyeing Muse suspiciously. “This wasn’t just a scheme to give me a pity-job, was it?”

Leaf taps her shoulder, and Cosette turns to face him. “No, no, no.”

“We talked about it while you were in line at the credit union and decided we were interested in having you join the team. Leaf’d already had interviewing as a skill on his list, and we figured if you did well enough…”

Cosette is on Leaf again before Muse finishes speaking, and this time he’s able to get his arms around her before she latches, resting his head on hers.

Cosette is still beaming when she finally pulls away from Leaf to look at the camera. She lets out a small, excited scream before reaching out for a hand of each of her friends. 

“Today was a big day--not for Mysteries of 24601, but for me, Cosette.” She looks appreciatively at Muse before turning to Leaf. “Thank you so much, both of you.” Her attention returns to the camera. “What do you all think? Can I take on the world as my own adult now? How important is it really to be able to do carpentry, metalworking, or use a car without keys?”

*Cosette nO THAT IS USED FOR ROBBERY*

“I look forward to seeing you next time on our next exciting installment of Mysteries of 24601! Bye!” The three of them wave as the screen cuts to black.

 

As credits roll, voices continue. The chirping of bugs and birds can be heard, and the bottom of the screen reads *several days later.*

“How is F--- done already and I’m not?” Pause. “Shut up, smart----.”

“He’s familiar with his sleep set-up is all. You said you bought this with B--- and J---?”

“Yeah.”

There’s a great sound of fabric moving quickly against fabric.

“Geez Muse, this is big enough for a whole family! Why did you get such a giant tent?” There’s silence. “Oh. I just. Right. Of course.”

“They usually set it up while I make the fire!”

“Well, you’re an adult, so you and I are going to figure this out together.”

“While F--- stands there sniggering and recording?”

“It’ll help you later to be able to see what we did to set it up.”

There’s the distinct sound of a raspberry being blown before anyone speaks again. “Fine. Fine! Whatever.” A huff. “Who wants to be a grown-up anyway?” the voice mutters, to which the other voice giggles in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm confirming it now: Valjean's aroace in this piece. Sorry, Valvert shippers.
> 
> Musichetta and Feuilly's cafe was inspired by [this really cool establishment](http://www.mozzeria.com/).
> 
> [This](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTxlB_RFrB0) is the song they were dancing to in the sex ed portion (they cranked the bass so Feuilly could still dance, no worries).
> 
> Check out the corresponding material [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17765537).
> 
> This was my first time trying to write a deaf character, and I'd love feedback.


	8. Episode 73: Reflection ft Marius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd, as always, by the incredible [PieceOfCait](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PieceOfCait/pseuds/PieceOfCait).
> 
> This episode takes place around a month after episode 72.
> 
>  **Warnings:** discussion of aging parents and the future

“Hi everyone!” the host shouts in excitement. Cosette sits in what looks to be a beanbag chair in satiny-looking pajamas and a light blue headscarf. She’s smushed next to Marius who is decked out in the exact same outfit. “I’m Cosette, he’s Marius, and you’re watching Mysteries of 24601!” 

 

The opening music and title sequence are the same as usual, but instead of the normal clips that play through from previous episodes the camera remains trained on Cosette and Marius. Cosette turns to look at Marius, smiling mischievously before wriggling into the seat more comfortably, causing Marius to flail and tip over off of the beanbag chair in sync with the finishing note

 

The scene changes to one where they are once again side-by-side in the unconventional chair.

“Marius and I are celebrating the last day before the term ends and everyone goes home for the summer. Originally everyone was invited, but a bar-crawl was proposed, and I have work tomorrow morning,” Cosette pouts.

“I don’t like clubs. Or drinking. Or Courf hitting on me.”

The corners of Cosette’s mouth raise in unison with her eyebrows. “Babe, Courf is always hitting on you.”

“Well yeah, but not usually so intently.”

Cosette’s clear laughter rings, and Marius smiles along with her.

The woman returns her attention to the camera. “We’re doing things a bit differently this episode: normally I’ll respond to your feedback or share information about my papa and our lifestyle. We’ve had some pretty big episodes lately, though, and I start my final year of university in a couple of months. Marius and I were just talking about how much my life has changed since moving here, and I want this to be more of a reflection episode.”

She glances toward Marius, who wraps an arm around her shoulder and nods reassuringly.

“This is going to be a little stream-of-consciousness, so sorry in advance if I jump around or ramble. I mean, I guess I always ramble on my solo episodes, but usually it feels a bit more...purposeful.” Cosette looks to Marius again before releasing a nervous giggle. “Where do I start?” she whispers.

“Why don’t you start with what you were telling me? About everyone going home for the summer?” Most of Marius’s videos show him to be a bit nervous and awkward, but one-on-one with Cosette he looks truly comfortable.

“Right.” She gives a determined nod before looking back to the camera. “Most of our friends are students at the university I attend. F--- and Muse have their business, of course, and I think R and Apollo have their own place nearby?” She sends a questioning look to Marius, who nods.

“Apollo’s not going home this year because he has that internship. R stopped going home after...but I’m pretty sure he’s visiting his _mãe_ and _avós_ in S--- for a couple of weeks? They’re really nice.”

Cosette turns back to the camera with her eyebrows raised. “Which is how everyone except R found out that Marius is fluent in Portuguese.” Marius flushes but doesn’t correct her. “But yeah, everybody else is going home. Even Marius is spending the summer with Courf’s family because his mom’s an actual angel.”

*She is, and you should say it. <3 <3 <3*

“Courf said it was because my Spanish needs work,” Marius insists.

“And you believed him?” she laughs. “He was looking for an excuse to bring you over, and you know it.”

*denial looks good on him, don’t act like it doesn’t*

Marius smiles bashfully, looking off-camera at the floor.

“Anyway, it’s not the first summer I won’t have all of you, but it is the last one before we graduate. This is the last time that everyone’s coming back after they leave--but also, I know a lot of people are planning on staying after graduation, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I mean, yeah, I’ll be an independent adult and able to live on my own or even move in with one of them if I want, but...I’d never thought about it until recently, but I’ve always planned on having my papa there, y’know? Until I started uni, it always felt like it was us against the world. Other people have passed through my life, but Papa’s always been my constant and made sure I was safe.” 

She stops to laugh. “You know how the bible says angels are terrifying? The night I met Papa I was in the woods doing something--I forget what, my foster home before Papa was awful--and I was so terrified of this massive man who approached me from the shadows. But he spoke so kindly to me and was so gentle, and he rescued me from that horrible place. And when we started going to church I just assumed he was God’s guardian angel sent for me, and I thanked Him every night for my papa.

“Papa’s definitely become more mortal as I’ve grown older, but I still thank God every night for sending him to me. And,” she pauses, squinting into the camera. Her nose is flushing a little, and her eyes shine. “And now I’m having to think of a life without him? I mean, what happens when I graduate? Will we keep moving around every two years? I finally have friends. A job. A permanent address I can vote at. I don’t want to leave. And I don’t want him to be alone.”

She adjusts her scarf, sniffling as tears continue their steady descent down her cheeks. 

Marius pulls her closer. “We can turn the camera off, if you want,” he murmurs.”

“No, no. This is fine,” she assures, voicing breaking a little as she smiles. She reaches up, wiping her cheeks before laughing. “It’s a good thing I took my face off before we started recording.”

Marius huffs a laugh, leaning his head against hers.

“You’re gonna muss your scarf!” she squeals, pushing him off and reaching to fix the silk. She turns back to the camera, eyes still watery but smiling much more widely and releasing a breath before speaking. 

“We’ve come a long way, Viewers: I started this series when I was fifteen years old. My best friend and home was my papa, and that was enough for me. And now I'm 20, with more friends than I can count and a city I’ve come to think of as home and--and dish sets!” Her eyes widen with the absurdity of it. “More dish sets than people who live here! And what comes after that? When our friends move on with their lives and we’re still hiding--hiding from what, even? Our own happiness?--and I’m just left with all of these extra dishes gathering dust again. Or my papa living on his own.”

Marius pulls her closer, pressing a kiss where the silk wrap meets her forehead. This time when he presses his cheek against her head she leans into him.

“He’s 63, Marius. He’s still strong as an ox, but he’s growing older in other ways. He’s getting more tired, and we’ve had to start being more careful about his diet.”

“He’s 63.” Another kiss is placed on her forehead. “He’s healthy.” Kiss. “He’s strong.” Kiss. “And he unconditionally loves and supports you--no one could ever doubt it. I’m sure he’ll follow you to the ends of the earth. I can’t think of a single reason he wouldn’t.”

She sighs. “You’re right. You’re right,” she repeats more confidently. She takes a moment, seeming to gather herself before speaking to the camera with gusto.

“This was definitely not our normal wheelhouse, but I think we’re gonna upload it anyway. I’m really glad to have finally talked it out, and...I dunno. I know some of you have expressed concern over my lifestyle or my papa’s role in it, and maybe this will give you something to chew on? If you have any ideas or advice, comment it down below! I love you all, good night!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once R discovers that Marius speaks Portuguese, he starts sitting next to Marius in all of the meetings and whispering a steady stream of the dirtiest fanfic dialogue AO3 can conjure. 
> 
> Probably obvious, but _mãe_ is "mom" and _avós_ is "grandparents" in Portuguese. R's dad is not a good guy, and R cut contact basically as soon as his _mãe_ finally left that scumbag and was able to escape back to Portugal.
> 
> I have intentionally been leaving relationships more open-ended, so it's up to you to interpret this as you will.
> 
> Check out the corresponding material [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17823374).


	9. Episode 78: Prison Blues ft Baz, Baudevaire, & Apollo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, as always, to my incredible beta-reader [PieceOfCait](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PieceOfCait/pseuds/PieceOfCait)! If you haven't read her stuff yet, definitely check her out!
> 
> This episode takes place three months after episode 73 immediately before the fall term.
> 
>  **Warnings:** discussion of prison and prison culture

The lighting on the video is shining evenly across four people sitting primly at a long wooden countertop, presumably a kitchen bar. Cosette sits at the far left. A large bearded man with dark hair tied into a topknot and _pe’a_ running up and down his arms sits to the right of her, followed by a slight freckled person with long red hair in a thick braid pulled over their shoulder. To the far right sits a man with bronze skin and wavy, golden hair pulled back in a ponytail. They go down the line from left to right introducing themselves.

“I’m Cosette!”

“Baz,” the great man says, grinning sideways with his arms crossed.

“Baudevaire!” bursts the redhead, throwing their arms into the air.

“Apollo,” the last person says dryly, a single eyebrow raised.

 

The same opening sequence that the audience is now already familiar with plays, followed by unedited banter.

 

“Why do they get to pick their codenames and I don’t?” Apollo argues.

“Because Courf and R assigned your name in our collab video on their channel,” Cosette explains.

At the bottom of the video, white words blink: *LIES AND SLANDER*

The girl continues. “You can watch it if you don’t believe me, but we have to be consistent.”

*CORRECTION: NOT QUITE LIES AND SLANDER*

Baz suddenly turns his whole body toward Cosette. “Wait, ----, Courf actually met your dad already?” 

Cosette closes her eyes and exhales slowly before responding. “He did.”

"Baz, you knew this," Baudevaire points out good-naturedly.

“----, I might owe him money,” the man grits.

“You do,” Cosette answers automatically.

“Baz didn’t make the same bet R did,” Apollo corrects, looking bored as he examines his nails but for the slightly raised corners of his mouth.

“Courf was extremely confident,” Baudevaire adds emphatically. 

Cosette looks equal parts horrified and furious as she turns to face Baz. “ _What did you--_ ”

 

The scene cuts to one of Cosette sitting alone, camera zoomed and centered on her. She is smiling pleasantly, a stark contrast to the scene immediately preceding, and she nearly glows in the light.

“Welcome back to Mysteries of 24601! I have some exciting guests this video--our first since summer break began! But before we get to that, we finally finished our closed captions project thanks to our editor, Courf! You may know him as half of the RtistandhisCourf team or remember him from our Easter eve surprise collab last year. He has worked very hard to make these available for all of my episodes—even those terribly edited high school ones— and fixed that bug we were having where the captions conflicted with his, ahem, commentary--”

*Love you. <3*

“--so you can go back and enjoy every minute of mystery with full comprehension.”

*This means YOU, Leaf. No more stalling!!*

 

The scene switches back to the same set-up as the video began in, with all four people seated at the counter.

“And without further ado, Baz will start us on this week’s topic!”

“Thanks, Cosette.” Baz turns from Cosette to look at the camera, hands folded in front of him seriously. “Right now, the one of the most popular fan-theories about Monsieur F is that he is an ex-convict. Cosette asked me to help her discuss this topic with several other known experts. I myself have been on both sides of the bars for brief stints, Baudevaire’s partner has been arrested multiple ti--”

“No he hasn’t,” Baudevaire interrupts.

“What?” Baz asks in obvious confusion.

“M--- has never been arrested.”

“Bull---- he hasn’t.”

“Why were you invited to be on this episode then?” Apollo asks, brows furrowed.

“Because’s Vaire’s been arrested,” Cosette answers.

“ _Multiple times_ ,” they add, looking rather pleased with themself.

Baz looks equally surprised and impressed with Baudevaire, clapping them on the back solidly.

Cosette, Baz, and Baudevaire all turn to look at Apollo.

“No comment.”

Baz rolls his eyes, swinging his head dramatically back to the camera. “Okay. Just trust that he knows enough to be able to weigh in.

“So. Post-prison behavior. Discuss.”

“Ramen combos,” Baudevaire explodes.

“Who would have known that there are so many things one can add to Top Ramen?” Baz adds.

“Cheetos are surprisingly good,” Apollo assents.

“Cheetos? Oh no, you were hanging with the freshies. You gotta get in with the guys who have been there for years,” Baz explains. “Sausage, pickles, and just a hint of jelly: that’s where it’s at.”

“Baz, are you still eating prison slam at home?” Baudevaire accuses with a smile.

“I got used to it!”

“Your longest stint was a week!” Apollo shoots back.

“It was a long week!”

The guests seem to realize simultaneously that Cosette has remained quiet through the conversation.

“But you know,” Baudevaire speaks up, “a lot of people do odd ramen combinations.”

“Yeah,” agrees Apollo. “R’s grandpa served us ramen with, like, three types of meat, an egg, and uncooked ramen sprinkled over top the only time I visited.”

Baudevaire elbows Apollo hard, whispering something.

“Oh. Ignore me.”

“There’s lots of other things,” assures Baz.

Cosette smiles weakly. “Papa’s a good cook, but my comfort food when I’m sad or sick is always ramen with an egg, two slices of ham, some pickles, and crushed chips over top.”

“And that sounds…” Baz begins enthusiastically, trailing off.

“Appetizing!” Baudevaire volunteers.

Apollo remains silent, facing forward but with his eyes cast in Cosette’s direction in a way that leans toward uncertainty. The quiet stretches on uncomfortably until Baz speaks up, to the undisguised relief of everyone at the counter.

“Anyone else pick up that coffin-y sleep position?” 

Cosette laughs. “Coffin-y sleep position?” 

“Baz, I don’t think anyone here’s been in prison more than two weeks combined,” Apollo scoffs.

Both men eye Baudevaire suspiciously; Baudevaire themself says nothing, looking up at something presumably off-camera. 

Cosette tilts her head, nose scrunched and eyes squinting as she smiles. “How does it work?”

“You lay on your back, legs together, arms crossed,” explains Apollo. “It’s a good defense position.”

“Every cellie I’ve had already was sleeping that way by the time I’d get in.” Baudevaire turns from the camera to look at Cosette. “Once you get used to it it’s not too uncomfortable, but I always go back to sleeping on my stomach as soon as I’m out.”

“It takes a while to train yourself into,” agrees Baz. “I’ve been in contact with some people I met in the system, and it sounds like after a couple of years of it it’s basically impossible to go back.”

“Huh,” Cosette murmurs. Her smile has faded since the explanation began, and she looks mildly uncomfortable.

“Lots of people like to sleep on their backs, though” Apollo eschews. Both Baz and Baudevaire wear mixtures of relief and surprise at the blond’s addition.

“Honestly though, can we go back to talking about food culture in prison? Sure, mealtime is ‘twenty minutes,’” Baudevaire says, accentuating the phrase with their fingers, “but when you’re walking seven minutes from your cell, in line another three, and have that walk back to look forward to--”

“And only spoons! I get that even toothbrushes can become shanks, but trying to saw through prison meat with a spoon is impossible,” complains Apollo.

“You just cut it up, mix it up, and shovel it in as quickly as possible. And you can’t forget your eating posture,” Baz continues.

As one, Baz, Baudevaire, and Apollo all hunch over the counter in front of them, holding one hand up as if holding a utensil and curling the other one in front of them like there is a dish behind it.

Baz turns to Cosette. “You go hungry otherwise.”

Cosette nods slowly, eyebrows raised and looking away. Baudevaire bites their lip and glances between Baz and Apollo.

“You know the first thing I do every time I get out of jail?”

Apollo rolls his eyes. “You’ve been in jail twice.” 

“And I did it both times.” Baz directs his attention to the camera. “The longest, hottest shower I can manage. Hell, I took a bath the second time. Made Risa--that’s her nickname, don’t censor me, I swear to God Courf--get me a bath bomb and some nice smelly soaps so I could do it right. Felt like a new man.”

“I actually just kept taking short showers after,” admits Apollo with a guilty shrug. “I like having the extra time in the morning. Though I like it a lot better now that it’s an option, rather than out of necessity.”

“You would,” Baz chastises with a roll of his eyes.

An awkward hush falls over the people.

“Apollo,” addresses Baudevaire. “How did Cosette convince you to come on? You hate talking about your, em, this stuff.”

Apollo sighs. “Cosette said R committed me to it in one of their collab episodes.”

“No he didn’t,” Baudevaire counters automatically.

There’s a pause. Apollo looks like he’s considering this information. Cosette’s eyebrows raise in something between amusement and challenge.

“En—Apollo?” Baz asks after a time.

“It’s not so much that I think R would hesitate to volunteer me for literally anything as it is that I have a hard time believing Cosette would lie about something so petty.”

*She absolutely would and did. Sucks to suck, “Apollo.”*

Baudevaire shrugs. “I dunno, I think--”

The conversation comes to an abrupt halt with the opening of a door. Apollo and Baz’s eyes follow something moving off-camera until a burly shirtless gentleman gleaming with sweat, presumably Cosette’s father, passes behind them, turning into a room and shutting the door behind him.

*there were words here before Cosette made me delete them*  
*(because she’s a tyrant who oppresses basic civil liberties)*

“‘Daddy’ indeed,” breathes Baz.

Apollo keeps his mouth shut but appears thoughtful. Baudevaire keeps their eyes forward and their lips resolutely pursed. Cosette narrows her eyes at all three of them as if daring them to say something. 

Before discussion begins again, water can be heard running for a shower. The group lets out a collective sigh, faces relaxing into smiles.

“So Cosette, you learned how to cook from your dad, right? Any chance we can stay for dinner to get the full experience?” Baz grins. “F--- raved about it for weeks after he was on, and once Courf stopped ----ing about having so many Easter leftovers he ----ed about missing your cooking. This was after Easter last year.”

Cosette looks a little smug at that.

“I have to get back home after this,” Apollo comments with a glance at his phone.

Baudevaire gasps. “Is it date night?” Apollo’s reddening face seems to be all of the answer Baudevaire needs. “You two are just too precious for--”

“Shh,” Baz interrupts. “You hear that?”

Everyone listens closely, though Cosette is already looking off-camera to the left with her lips in a tight line.

“No way,” Baudevaire breathes. “He finished his shower already?” 

All three glance toward Cosette before seeming to come to an unspoken agreement. “Whelp, that settles it: Baudevaire and I are crashing date night. Cosette, you’re welcome to come along if you’d like.”

“Oh my,” she says, good humor returning to her face. “How could I possibly turn down such a generous invitation?”

“You know R’d love to have us over too. Unless a certain someone,” Baudevaire says, nudging the blond to the right of them, “wants R all to himself?”

Apollo’s face remains red, but now his expression has shifted into a grimace, his arms crossed on the counter in front of him where he glares at the counter.

“Apollo,” Baz sings sweetly, fluttering his eyelashes.

“Stay the ---- away from my date night,” Apollo grumbles at last, pushing off of the counter with a stern but embarrassed smile.

“Aww, Apollo,” croons Cosette. “You know our resident cynic has eyes for you alone.”

His blush deepens, and the frown he wears looks suspiciously forced.

“Cosette,” the burly man says as he steps into the frame in fresh trousers and a snug polo. All four people turn around this time. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were doing one of your videos.” The man’s face is not clear, and the video quality is high enough that censorship seems likely.

“It’s fine Papa, what is it?”

“I’m about to head out, I shouldn’t be more than thirty minutes. I have my phone if anything comes up.”

“And I have mine. Be safe, I love you.”

“I love you too.” The voice warms and curls around the words, and for a moment Cosette and her father look at one another with what can only be assumed to be mutual admiration before he exits the frame, the sound of a door closing indicating his departure.

Baz releases a stream of air, and Apollo begins playing with his phone. Only Baudevaire looks at Cosette. “Where’s he going?”

“When Papa has free time on his hands he like to walk around the neighborhood.”

“What, like for exercise?” The comment sounds casual enough, but discomfort is etched into Baz’s smile. 

Cosette doesn’t seem to notice. “Oh no, just whenever. He used to have to take me with him when I was younger, and when I’d get tired or my feet would get too sore he’d carry me. He’d do that for--goodness, it must have been hours. I suppose he had a lot on his mind those days.”

Baz, Baudevaire, and Apollo glance uneasily at one another.

“...my papa’s an ex-convict, isn’t he?” The question comes out as a statement.

“In all likelihood, he did his time, and that’s that,” Baz assures her, placing an arm around her shoulders.

“He’s a good man, an arrest record doesn’t change that,” promises Apollo.

Baudevaire nods. “It’s okay, Darling.”

There’s an appropriate silence.

“Do you think...is it something you wanna ask him about?” Baz cautiously suggests.

“I don’t think he wants to talk about it if he hasn’t mentioned it in the twelve years he’s been caring for me.”

“Mmm.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” Baudevaire murmurs gently.

Cosette takes a deep breath before looking up to the camera. The eyes of her friends remain on her. 

“Well viewers, it’s looking rather likely that Papa is a former convict. What does this mean for him? For us? What are the implications of this discovery? We’ll explore that next time on Mysteries of 24601. Thank you for watching.”

 

The camera cuts to credits, white text flowing up the black screen as chatter plays instead of music.

“I should just cancel date night. We can’t leave you by yourself.”

“E---, if you cancel date night I will personally crash every date night you have from now until you’re married.”

“Think about this E---: R gets nervous about commitment. I know you all but have rings picked out and in marked spots in your sock drawer, but with R this could stretch out for years.”

“...oh my God, E---, do you actually--”

“No. I mean...no.”

“E---!”

“I don’t!”

“Oh, but you know what you want. You’ve looked. You’ve picked them out. You’ve imagined holding hands with your matching bands.”

“You know what? Maybe I have! Maybe it makes me happy to think about. We’re still in school, a lot can happen in a year, and I can imagine whatever I want in the meantime.”

“Like a wedding!”

“Stop!” the voice laughs, continuing just slightly after the last of the white text scrolls off of the screen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pacing is a very common behavior for people who have been in prison for extended periods of time. (They're also usually hyperaware of their surroundings and prefer to keep their backs to a wall.)
> 
> Bahorel's forgetful, especially since Courf lost the bet and didn't want to remind him.
> 
> Check out the corresponding material [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17861774).


	10. Episode 84: Journey to the Past ft Ép

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to not writing secret chapters behind my beta's back, so this one was indeed reviewed by [PieceOfCait](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PieceOfCait/pseuds/PieceOfCait). :)
> 
> This episode happens November 2017, 3-4 months after episode 78.
> 
>  **Warnings:** general reference to bad childhood (no details)

Cosette sits on a bed next to another girl with her hair tied up in a purple silk scarf. The other girl has dark brown hair pulled up in the back with a giant butterfly clip and wears a brown leathery-looking jacket.

“Hello everyone, and welcome back to Mysteries of 24601! Today is a big episode for us for two reasons, and the far more important of those two is sitting right beside me. Ép, can you say ‘hi’?”

The other girl—Ép—waves a hand bashfully, revealing black fingerless gloves. “Hey, all.”

Cosette beams at her. "So she's Ép, I'm Cosette. Welcome to my channel!"

 

The opening sequence plays without event. 

 

“Ép was actually with me before Papa took me in. We discovered each other by accident at one of Apollo’s meetings—” Ép appears to attempt to hide a snort behind her hand at the nickname. “And I’ve been trying to convince her to come on the show since!”

“Something your viewers should probably know then, since I’m pretty sure Cosette’s too nice to tell you all, is that she was under my parents’ care before Monsieur F got her, and they were not kind. And neither was I,” Ép admits. Her attention is turned down to her lap before she looks over at Cosette. “And I’m still really sorry about that.”

Cosette puts a hand on Ép’s shoulder, smiling gently. “You were just as much a victim as I was, please stop apologizing. There's nothing that I blame you for. We’ve both come a long way since then.” Cosette returns her attention to the camera, hand remaining on Ép’s shoulder. “So we’re gonna spend most of today’s episode talking about our childhood and what we remember and the circumstances there, but first! Our second reason that today is such a big episode!”

Cosette reaches forward and down, apparently retrieving something from under the bed. When she is sitting upright once more, she is holding a small collection of papers. “I finally found them! My adoption papers, under my papa’s name!” She holds them facing outward. There are censor bars hovering over most of it, and what print is visible is too small to make out. She hands them to Ép, both of whom are smiling widely. While Ép begins to look over the documents, Cosette continues. “And with these, we can finally put to bed all theories regarding the legality of my—”

“Cosette, you...need to stop the camera.” 

Cosette’s pleasant expression turns to one of concern almost as quickly as Ép’s own had moments before. “Is something the matter?”

Ép’s face turns from Cosette to the papers in her hand to the camera in quick succession before reaching out with a gloved hand to block out the lens.

Credits roll. Ép is not listed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out the corresponding material [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17905946).


	11. Episode 85: Closing the Case

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so grateful to my incredible, thorough beta-reader [PieceOfCait](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PieceOfCait/pseuds/PieceOfCait) for following me through this adventure (as well as countless others), even when I've made her cry. 
> 
> Please read the [accompanying piece](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17935034) before continuing onto this one. You can read them the other way around if you want, but it'll read better like this.
> 
>  **Warnings:** discussion of major character death, overall sadness

The girl on the screen is dressed in all black. Cornrows line one side of her head and drape the poof that is the rest of her curls over top of and onto the other side of her head.

“Hello everyone. Welcome to Mysteries of 24601 and the final chapter of our journey.

“I know the last episode was a bit concerning, and we have received all of your messages over the past couple of months. I’ve done my best to respond to them, and I want to thank you all for your words of kindness and courage. On today’s episode, I have good news and bad news.

“The bad news is that my dear papa, after 64 long and arduous years, passed away last month.” Her voice breaks before she finishes the sentence’s delivery, and she looks down, sniffling and pressing a once-white monogrammed kerchief covered in black and brown smudges to her face.

After a moment she looks up again, pushing a smile through her tears. “But the good news is that my papa was a wonderful man, truly as kind and selfless as he had always presented himself.

“I won’t tarnish his memory by sharing the details of his past—though I don’t think he has any reason for shame. Instead, I would like us to remember him as he was: a devout man who shared God’s love by deed, not word alone; a man who once single-handedly fed over two hundred people when snow had prevented the soup kitchen’s regular employees from showing up, who never let a soul go hungry if it was in his power to prevent; a man who, until his dying day, never once passed up on an opportunity to help our landlady carry her groceries into her home; and a man who, fourteen years ago, opened his home and his heart to a little girl that he had found shivering and afraid in the woods, and gave her love and hope and strength and everything she ever could have wanted.” Cosette sobs the final words, following them with a sharp intake of breath and the reapplication of the handkerchief to her tear-streaked face. Despite it all, she’s smiling.

“To close today’s segment and this series, I want to share with you all my papa’s favorite passage from the Bible. It is one I have turned to often over the past several months, one that has brought me great peace. I know not all of you are religious, but my papa and I are, and I ask that you please allow me this.” She opens a worn and well-loved Bible full of dogears and scribbles and highlights to a place she has bookmarked.

 

_The King will say to those on his right, "Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."_

_Then the righteous will answer him, "Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?"_

_The King will reply, "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."_

 

“Thank you for following me in this journey. I love you all.”

 

The credits roll. A photo of a flour-covered Cosette with a broader, older man caught mid-laugh hovers above the final acknowledgement.

Jean Valjean

Beloved father to us all. 

1954-2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I was giving this one last look-over as I edited it and actually made myself start to tear up. Which I guess I deserve.
> 
> The passage is Matthew 25: 34-40. For the full passage, you'll want [Matthew 25: 31-46](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+25%3A31%E2%80%9346&version=WEB).

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all so, so much for following me through my first series over 15k words. I especially want to thank those who followed as it was uploaded and left their words of kindness and encouragement and feedback: it was a joy to read your comments week after week.
> 
> If you liked it, please tell me!! You can comment below or reach out to me at [my tumblr](http://shitpostingfromthebarricade.tumblr.com).


End file.
